Berdamai...

For this upcoming bloody talk, I've been often working more than 12 hours per day, for months. And..... Voila!! no result until now! Like I said previously, this is a neverending Murphy's law. Everything is going wrong!


Pernah nggak berada dalam situasi di mana segala yang kamu coba tidak membuahkan hasil, dan hal ini berlangsung selama berbulan-bulan! There's no way to escape, and there is no other way except keep going on and on, sambil berusaha mempertahankan sisa-sisa kepercayaan diri yang makin merosot. Well, I guess this IS research. Paling tidak, sepanjang yg aku tahu, salah satu tujuan PhD-training emang utk melatih stamina menjalani kegagalan demi kegagalan dalam eksperimen (for 4 years, my friend!), sambil tetap bersemangat dan terus tidak kekurangan ide-ide baru. Seperti yg supervisor dan promotor selalu bilang, "Somehow it will work." Yup! I totally agree. One tiny problem is, we both just don't know how! (currently)

Dalam kondisi lelah fisik dan pikiran, biasanya pikiran2 (sok) romantis malah muncul (weleh!). Entah ini means of survival, means of escape, atau sekedar excuse pada diri sendiri. Beberapa hari terakhir ini, pas lagi suntuk dan browsing2 bbrp blogs, jadi merasa diingatkan lagi tentang bbrp hal.

Dulu sekali, seorang sahabat dekat sering mengingatkan: cobalah melihat melampaui segala yang ada saat ini. Walaupun konteks saat itu beda, tapi aq paling tidak diingatkan utk tidak terlalu khawatir. Khawatir bagaimana kalau kenyataan yang (akan) terjadi tidak sesuai seperti yg diinginkan, bagaimana kalau target tidak tercapai, dsb. Kekhawatiran2 ini bikin aku jadi makin menggebu2 bekerja lebih giat (baca: longer hours), tapi pada saat yg bersamaan juga bikin lelah hati dan pikiran. Working hard, but not always working smart.

Melampaui deadline, angka2 dan syarat yg seolah2 menentukan berarti tidaknya aku, menentukan bahagia tidaknya hidupku. Padahal tidak ada yg tahu apa yg akan terjadi di hari esok toch. Paling tidak, seharusnya aq sudah belajar dari pengalaman, bahwa apa yg lama aku rencanakan, bisa tiba2 gagal total. Sesuatu yg seolah2 sudah dalam genggaman, bisa2 tiba2 terlepas begitu saja.

Dan di luar soal pekerjaan saat ini, ada pula soal2 lain yg kadang menambah beban pikiran dan membuat segalanya terasa tidak nyaman. Lagi-lagi, kayanya aku masih harus banyak belajar. Belajar melihat yang melampaui, belajar tidak menggenggam terlalu erat - belajar berdamai.
Berdamai dengan situasi yang tidak enak (memang tidak akan pernah ideal), dengan hal2 yg tidak bisa dirubah saat ini. Terus berusaha, tapi tidak kesetanan.

Yah, mulai lagi deh, (belajar) berjalan tanpa beban...

***

I'm like a runner keeping the goal in my eyes
How can I look around and enjoy the view
But is it not the journey more important than the final step
The end point will only give you
one answer to one question
But the journey enriches you
with many answers (and many more questions)
It is only through a journey you gain what is valuable
just like the voyage to Ithaca*

But when your mind is set to only one thing
you cannot free yourself
Looking beyond dates and pre-set ending
Why is it so difficult?


*Ithaca - found in The Zahir, Coelho

10-things I hate about my playmates... (in the lab)

*excerpt from my other blog, 15/09/06

No, I am NOT playing whatever in the lab. I am WORKING, you see... But as all lab-workers know, working in the lab = playing. Just as what my supervisor always said whenever I got stucked, "just try to play around a bit, maybe you'll have different results..." And as I spent most of my evenings and weekends with all my little tubes and my machine here, they become very intimate to me. You see, I spent more times trying to understand them than to understand a guy.
However, sometimes you really got stucked... stucked... stucked... Here are the-10-things I hate about them:

1. They always like to give you nice surprises, e.g. suddenly behaving differently, giving you unexpected (and unexplained) results ... and at surprising times also, i.e. near the deadlines

2. They follow the weather's change and they have bad moods also. When your work involving chemical-interactions, then you'll see differences on the day and at night, in summer and in winter... The worst is when you already have temperature control, then you can't blame the weather anymore when you have bad results :-(

3. They can be very very stubborn! You flirt with them, give a lot of attention, even change your daily habits, and they still do not change. You stretch your imagination as widely as possible to find yet another approach and minimize your sleeping and resting time just for them to give you a little bit of nice results, and they refuse!!!

4. Okay, this is a chemical-physical experiment, so everything must behave according to the law of nature, right? Oh no, no... just like a kungfu master never told all their secret, there is always something you can't explain. You know, they have to be myterious to be interesting.

5. Have you ever heard of "derivatization"? When you put some stones into your pillow case, wrap everything together and throw it to somebody that you hate, that's derivatization. You attach something, some additional molecules, to your original compound and make it useful in different way then (because now his chemical charateristic has been changed).
Now, sometimes you'll see your compound turning to different colour after you derivatized him. You measure everything, check everything, make sure that everything is exactly the same (because this is lab, everything is controlled so you know what to blame), and then your compound thinks, "Wow, what a boring life, let's make some fun. Let's turn into different shades of purple!!" ... yes, what fun!!! you don't want different shades of purple!!! you want just one purple, exactly the same like yesterday and last week!!

6. What do you do when you smell something very bad in your kitchen? Like smell of rotten eggs, 1 kg fish, or 10-months-unwashed-socks? Now, you'll do something, right? You'll find the source of the smell and discharge it. We, in the lab, also do something. We use them! yes, the source of the smell, they're useful! And not only very smelly, they come with other features also, e.g. highly flammable, highly toxic and carcinogenic.

7. Having made a mistake, you go home and write in your lab-journal: "I will never forget to double the compound A when I use twice the compound B anymore" - 100 times. The day after, you come to the lab, perform exactly the correct procedure, double both A and B, and....... a result even far than what you have expected. Now you go home, write 100 times in your journal: "I hope life gives me mercy"

8. When something is not working, then other things also. This is a neverending Murphy's law. You're lucky when it lasts only several days.

9. You have several Gbytes of data in your computer, which you can explain only less than half of them.

10. You spend months working in the lab, trying to get some results. Instead, you're getting addicted to "S@#&!! It's not working AGAIN!!"

Now, I will go home and contemplate the famous line: "it has been worst, but then it can only be better". Having experienced these things for several years, you realized how true this sentence could be......

Oh no, no, today is not the worst! tomorrow...

Conversation with embassies

tut.. tutt....

ER1 : Diessist di Botschaft von....... Wenn Sie nachtsdiemolikeit für Sie fragen ollenfon diessemhachscheu rauscheschmisschen schu stossen Sie Zahl 1. Wenn Sie ummidiverlaangerung von Ihrer ollenfon diessemhachscheu rauscheschmisschen schu stossen Sie Zahl 2. Wenn Sie wissen wollen wenn Sie einevischumbrauchenwerden schugewisschem schuigehen stossen Sie Zahl 3.........

after 20 minutes...

ME : Good morning. I would like to have 3-days to spend money in your country next month and I want to know if I would need a special permit for this.

ER2: What kind of permit allowing you to sit-and-wander-around at your current residence?

ME: It's a semi-permanent residence permit, meaning I have 4 years before being kicked-out. And since you are all in the Union Treaty, if I can make a mess here, I can also make a mess there, right?

ER2: Of course, we are becoming border-less. However, where are you come from?

upss... now comes the real problem

ME: from Indonesia

ER2: In that case, you need to convince us that you will be spending money in a proper manner here. You need to presence yourself at the embassy, bringing your original and true passport, a letter stating your legal monthly income, a letter from your employer stating that they'll not fire you after having fun in our country, and an invitation letter from somebody in our country whom we can blame at whenever you make a mess. Oh, and don't forget 2 close-up photos of your current face, taken from specific angle and your face must have a size of 1.5 by 2 cm. We want to make sure we see all the details.

ME: I am a good guy, but nobody will invite me to your country.

ER2: Then you have to prove that you won't be sleeping at the station or in the street. Please bring to us a hotel-booking confirmation, fully paid so you can't run away. We don't accept confirmation letter by fax or email though, that's too easy to be forged. It has to be sent by mail from the hotel to you, and we will re-double-confirm by calling the hotel also, just to make sure guys, since you're so clever.

ME: Okay. Now I want to make appointment...........

tut... tutt... tuuttt...

Oh, shit! How come...... SHIT!!! It's 2 Euro/min!!!!
Now, today is Friday, I can't get out from this office until 6 p.m. and by that time the shop would have been closed. Arrgh, why did I buy this cheap number from that supermarket. Now everytime I have to go there to recharge my phone-credit!
So, okay...... hghh... so, I'll call again on Monday to make appointment.


Monday afternoon, another embassy

tut..tutt....

ER2: Good afternoon, what can I do for you?

ME: (*shock...) oops... erghh.... is this a machine or a person?

ER2: ??

ME: Sorry. I want to go for a few days trip to your country next 2 months. And I want to ask if I would need a special permit for this since I am currently staying at this country you see, your friend, and you are in that society.....

ER2: hah?? what society??

ME: Sorry, I meant Treaty

ER2: Where are you come from?

again...

ME: Indonesia

ER2: In that case, we can draw a line, and you have to ask for permission before crossing the border. Please send us your original passport, hotel-booking confirmation, and 2 close-up photos.

ME: Does my face have to be 1.5x2 cm in the photo?

ER2: No, just your most recent face.

ME: And I don't have to go to your office by myself?

ER2: No

ME: Don't you want to know how much I earn here, and how long I will have this job, in case I can't afford my trip to your country and have to sell handycrafts on the beach to compensate my expense?

ER2: No

ME: (*shock again...) You must be kidding!!


# ER1 = embassy's representative 1 = answering machine
# ER2 = embassy's representative 2 = the telephone operator


*1. based on personal experiences

*2. Especially for a friend, who, driving an air-conditioned car in Jakarta, complained a lot (I mean, for several years.....) about how irresponsible people in the street, in trucks, in motorcycles, and in general. Who also like to make a statement "underestimating" (this is purely my personal opinion. Of course, my responsible friend, you wouldn't think so!) bus and truck drivers. In foreign countries, we are all regarded the same: a potentially illegal cheap worker. And indeed, we are all workers :-)

prolog... kebun belakang

Blog ini dibuat untuk menghibur para orang stress sedunia...
minimal menghibur si penulis sendiri (halah!!)

Sebuah pengakuan:

Penulis BUKAN orang stress. Sumpah, bukan!! Tapi kalau BOSAN sih iya.

Sebagai seorang pendatang baru di negeri asing, belum banyak menemukan tempat bermain, penulis merasa perlu menyalurkan bakat, hasrat dan nafsunya yang terpendam.

Jadilah kebun belakang ini... korban!!

Tentang kebun belakang:

Ini mimpiku sejak dulu ... punya rumah kecil dengan kebun belakang yang langsung menyambung ke kanal; dengan pohon apel, magnolia, rose dan hyacinth ... plus peralatan barbeque dan sebuah motor boat antik :-D

Kebun belakang, di mana aja, pastinya jadi tempat yang asyik untuk ngapain aja. Tempat ngumpul, ngobrol ngalur ngidul, curhat... Tempat ngumpet juga kalo lagi suntuk pingin sendirian, sambil baca buku atau ngoceh2 sendiri :-) ... (Seharusnya) kagak ada yg ngusilin, berhubung tempatnya... ning mburi dhewe...

***

Prolog ini ditulis dg semangat yg menggebu-nggebu pada tgl. 14 September 2006 (*mood saat itu... :-))

Selanjutnya......

Yang pasti, kebun belakang bisa juga menjadi... tempat buang sampah!!