kebun belakang

The machine is Us/ing Us

2008-09-21T11:04:00.002+02:00

really true.. :D :">

kutipan centini

2008-09-14T00:36:00.004+02:00

"... cinta adalah karya agung yang mengubah nafsu menjadi nafas. itulah jalan pelepasan terbesar, kenikmatan di luar kenikmatan tubuh."

- Amongraga pada Tambangraras

Ngga nyangka kalimat di atas berasal dari Serat Centini, yg lebih terkenal karena keerotisannya ketimbang muatan filosofisnya.

Akhir-akhir ini kok banyak dapat masukan berkaitan dengan kebudayaan Jawa yah... bulan kejawen nih ;)

'only a lonesome joker can see through delusion'

2008-07-29T00:52:00.005+02:00

"I don't belong anywhere.
I am neither a heart, a diamond, a club, nor a spade. I am neither a King, a Jack, an Eight, nor an Ace.
As I am here - I am merely the Joker, and who that is I have had to find out for myself.

Every time I toss my head, the jingling bells remind me that I have no family.
I have no number - and no trade either.
I have gone around observing your activities from the outside.
Because of this I have also been able to see things to which you have been blind.

Every morning you have gone to work, but you have never been fully awake.
It is different for the Joker, because he was put into this world with a flaw: he sees too deeply and too much."

Truth is a lonely thing

###

from The Solitaire Mystery - Jostein Gaarder

what lies ahead...

2008-07-27T11:05:00.005+02:00

Menolong diri sendiri

2008-07-18T20:59:00.003+02:00

Berseru Supaya Tetap Selamat - Dan Yakin

Pada suatu hari seorang nabi tiba di sebuah kota untuk menobatkan para penduduknya. Mula-mula orang kota mendengarkan khotbah-khotbahnya, tetapi lama-kelamaan mereka tidak datang lagi, sampai tidak ada segelintir orang pun yang mendengarkan kata-kata sang nabi.

Pada suatu hari seorang musafir bertanya kepada nabi: 'Mengapa Anda masih saja terus berkhotbah? Apakah Anda tidak tahu, bahwa tugas Anda itu sia-sia saja?'

Jawab sang nabi: 'Pada mulanya aku berharap dapat mengubah mereka. Kini aku masih terus berseru, agar supaya mereka jangan mengubah aku!'

(Burung Berkicau, Anthony de Mello SJ, Yayasan Cipta Loka Caraka, Cetakan 7, 1994)

all that remains are sweetness

2008-07-14T23:00:00.007+02:00

if only we can keep things that are dear to our hearts
but each moment is a moment of its own path
each life is the rightful master of his own life
and our presence is transient, save for the memory

HOME

2008-07-04T21:50:00.005+02:00

Michel Bubble - Home

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another airplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

be brave, little one

2008-06-06T00:17:00.002+02:00

Solusi Donasi

2008-06-03T02:02:00.012+02:00

Teman saya pernah berteori bahwa orang melakukan charity itu karena rasa bersalah. Waktu itu baru saja terjadi tragedi tsunami 2004. Pelajar-pelajar Indonesia di Belanda sibuk berusaha, ingin melakukan sesuatu untuk Aceh. Teman itu, yang kebetulan orang Belanda, berkomentar: "Kalian ini ngapain sebenarnya? Pekerjaannya itu ada di sana, bukan di sini (di Belanda). Kesibukan kalian ini cuma untuk mengurangi rasa bersalah saja karena tidak bisa berada di tempat yang membutuhkan."

Kali lain, kolega saya berusaha menunjukkan simpatinya atas tsunami. Tanpa sengaja dia bilang, "Tapi saya sudah nyumbang lho, ... (sekian ratus) Euro." Jumlah tersebut memang besar untuk sebuah donasi, walaupun kebetulan saya tahu bahwa mesin kopi di dapurnya lebih mahal. Bukan jumlahnya yang bikin saya mikir, tapi ekspresi keprihatinan yang diikuti dengan kelegaan. Lega karena, setelah menyumbang, ya masalah selesai.

Orang menyumbang asumsinya memang berada dalam kondisi yang lebih beruntung. Sering kali, ada perbedaan jauh antara kondisi donatur dan penerima donasi. Entah kenapa, biasanya sah-sah saja kalau sang donatur tidak ingin kehilangan sedikit pun kenyamanannya. Lebih sah daripada ketika si penerima donasi ingin sedikit perbaikan nasib.

Rasa bersalah yang disebut-sebut teman saya itu memang bisa jadi dilema, apalagi kalau keluar dari zona kenyamanan dianggap bukan pilihan yang "bijaksana". Berdonasi bisa jadi jalan keluarnya, minimal untuk tidak kelihatan salah. Juga memberi ketenangan pada sang donatur, yang sekarang adalah orang baik-baik yang punya hati. Masalah selesai.

Ketika para socialites Jakarta menyerukan bantuan pada korban Lapindo, saya sempat curiga ini gara-gara postingan di blog ini. Tapi, tentunya seruan tsb karena mereka adalah "good girls who just happen to spend time donating to charities and dressing well". Entah apakah ada rasa bersalah yang sempat lewat di sini. Yang jelas, antara kegiatan sosial dan kenyamanan hidup sepertinya perlu berjalan seiring, sekalipun permasalahan sosial di sekitarnya menuntut lain.

Waktu kecil saya pernah mendengar ajaran tentang "memberi dalam kekurangan". Aneh, kenapa tidak ada ajaran tentang "memberi dalam kelebihan" ya?

Tentang pertemanan

2008-05-20T00:19:00.003+02:00

Sedekat apakah kau padaku?
Sejarak puja-puji mesra
pertemuan-pertemuan rutin di waktu luang
cipika-cipiki dan tukar berita
yang lewat waktu segera terlupa

Sedekat apakah kau padaku?
Serangkum hati yang sama gelisah
bercakap-cakap tentang hidup dan pelacuran
bukan sekedar lomba berkicau, kawan
namun dalam sunyi mempertemukan nalar

Sedekat apakah kau padaku?
Selagak pemberian yang tak disangka-sangka
kehadiran yang tidak meminta
sekalipun jarak dan waktu memisah
selalu tersyukuri sebagai berkat

Sedekat apakah kau padaku?
Serentang waktu yang tak kembali
masa lalu yang mengikat
dan kenangan manis yang dirindukan
menjamin hati yang terbuka kembali menerima
jika kita tidak berubah, kuharap tidak

Sedekat apakah kau padaku?

***

(Zurich, 20 Mei 2008)

WC jongkok, dan lain-lain

2008-05-14T01:14:00.010+02:00

Siapa bilang WC jongkok cuma ada di Indonesia? ;)

Maap ya, ngga tega motret WC-nya, jadi luarnya saja :D

Kalau tidak percaya, silahkan ditengok sendiri di Feltre ;)

Deja vu indo? Hm... tidak terlalu. Soalnya ada mesin penjual kondom di sebelah pintu masuknya ;)

Lebih banyak hal lain selama mengurus perjalanan ke Itali kali ini yang bikin ingat negeriku tercinta (tsah... :D). Misalnya: website kedutaannya yang tidak pernah di-update (sehingga kita tidak pernah berhasil menelpon ke-3 nomor tercantum yang ternyata salah), keretanya yang hampir selalu terlambat (sehingga kita juga terlambat mengejar koneksi berikutnya), papan-papan petunjuk / pemberi informasi yang tidak pernah jelas (dan kadang menyesatkan) .....

Kalau naik kereta dari Zurich ke Italian-speaking-part, atau terus ke Itali, sebaiknya pakai reservasi tempat duduk karena kereta hampir selalu terlalu penuh. Sudah reservasi pun, dari Milan ke Padova, eeehh ada saja penumpang yang berusaha mengambil tempat duduk kita. Si cewe tampang baik-baik ini, dibantu beberapa temannya, pura-pura mengomel dan memberi tahu bahwa kita salah gerbong bla bla bla...... (jangan lupa, petunjuk-petunjuk di Itali memang tidak jelas, sehingga kita juga mudah dibuat bingung..... kalau mau ;)). Belum tahu tuh si cewe, kalau preman indo bisa lebih ganas dari mafia itali ;) Ngga semudah itu membohongi orang indo :)

Memang banyak sekali hal menarik selama perjalanan kali ini :) Berkereta di Itali rasanya lebih asyik dibanding di Swiss. Entah kenapa, rasanya suasananya lebih berwarna-warni untuk diamati. Banyak orang kulit bewarna. Ekspreksi penumpang-penumpangnya lebih bervariasi. Sebagian besar sibuk berbicara satu sama lain. Ada seorang kakek dengan wajah tersenyum, bernyanyi dan bersiul sepanjang perjalanan, sambil memangku kaki anak / cucunya yang sudah remaja :)

Dari Padova ke Feltre, kereta berhenti di stasiun-stasiun kecil di antaranya. Pemandangan sunyi dan indah. Suasananya passs banget buat menikmati Kafka on the shore ;)

Di Feltre, ada kafe teras kecil di stasiun keretanya. Cappuccino-nya mmmm..... enak :) Nyobain es krim Conello rasa cherry juga, tapi kurang enak.

Yang aneh, kereta dari Feltre ke Padova ada hampir tiap 1 jam sekali, sejak jam 5 pagi sampai jam 7 malam, kecuali antara jam 11 dan jam 2 siang. Lha, masa jadwal kereta pakai interupsi makan-siesta...?? Bisnya juga begitu. Siang ada break, antara jam 11 siang dan jam 5 sore cuma ada satu kali bis. Ah, masa sih kalah dengan jam terbang bis-bis di kampung rambutan ;D

Barangkali, terlepas dari ketidakteraturan yang kadang mencengangkan untuk suatu negara eropa (yang kalau meminjam komentarnya orang Swiss: It's "special"), jadwal bis dan kereta inilah salah satu yang membedakan negara maju dan negara berkembang. Tampaknya di Feltre, juga di banyak desa-desa kecil seperti di Swiss, penduduknya berkomuter ke kota besar untuk bekerja di kantor (atau bekerja di tempat dengan jadwal yang teratur).
Sedangkan di indo, penduduk berkomuter ke kota besar untuk bekerja...... apa saja.

~ Feltre, Trentino - 4 Mei 2008

~ sambil menunggu bis di kafe teras stasiun

mburuh...

2008-05-13T00:45:00.003+02:00

hm... deja vu nih...

kerja lagi sampe tengah malam ... nglembur ... buruh teladan, kata temanku :D

jadi ingat pas tahun pertama, sehari bisa minum kopi 4-5 gelas, kerja 12 jam lebih hampir tiap hari, sering yg tinggal sendiri di lab ... juga sekalian ngenet, belajar, mikir, nulis ... mencari ruang

tapi soal lembur, sebenarnya sudah sejak di Leiden dulu sih.....

hm... memang setiap masa ada kenangannya sendiri2 yg manis :)

tapi saat ini ... yuhuiiii! semangat :D ... beda dg tahun pertama itu :D ... memang lembur itu ada alasannya sendiri2 ... sekarang? mungkin krn setiap jalan mengarah ke satu tujuan ... atau dibuat mengarah ;D ... mungkin krn samar2 sudah kelihatan terang di ujuuuuung jalan itu...... :) ... mungkin krn sdh tahu apa yg sedang dilakukan :D (jadi dulu tu ngapain? :D), tahu tidak sia2, tahu apa yg bisa diharapkan, dst dst (*susah ngejelasinnya, dah rada ngantuk ini :D) ... mungkin juga, krn ada alasan penting utk terus :)

mungkin karena dia :-* ... karena masa depan kita ... karena alasan2 lama, sahabat2 lama yg memberi warna ...

entahlah :) ... tapi, moga2 aku meresapi apa saja yg memberi energi saat ini ... suatu saat, mudah2-an bisa utk lebih mengerti dan membantu yg lain

pulang dulu aah....... ;D

Kamu yang baik

2008-04-14T22:55:00.010+02:00

Minggu ini minggu Sapardi rupanya :-) ... iseng2 mampir ke blognya bu prof ini, ternyata ketemu musikalisasi puisi Sapardi yang lain - Aku Ingin. Thanks mbak Mer, untuk lagunya yang indah dan menyentuh :-)

Ini untuk seseorang, yang baik dan benar2 sayang :-* Yang ngga pernah menuntut apa2, malah selalu berusaha memberikan segala yg dimiliki. Yang sudah sangat sangat sabar kalau aku ngambek... ;-) Yang menerima aku apa adanya.

Buat kamu :-* For I finally find my home, in you :-*

***

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan
kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan
awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada

Aku Ingin - Sapardi Djoko Damono

***
# A beautiful translation of the poem is also provided by Mer.

Bising dan Undur

2008-04-14T00:27:00.008+02:00

Banyak orang berebut berbicara, terburu-buru berbicara - sibuk memaksakan eksistensinya sampai tidak sempat untuk benar-benar mendengarkan. Kata-kata jadi lebih penting dari perbuatan. Ide-ide ideal dipakai untuk membedakan, melabeli diri lebih baik dan yang berbeda sebaliknya.

Bicara seolah syarat mutlak untuk diketahui. Hm.. sebenarnya mungkin masih bagus (apa iya?). Kita terbiasa membagi orang-orang menjadi dua. Mereka yang terlalu peduli pada penampilan - barang-barang bermerk, hidup yang kelihatan "mapan". Dan mereka yang katanya lebih peduli pada isi otak - maksudnya pengetahuan, tentu plus kepandaian berbicara. Kita kadang lupa, kedua-duanya bisa dipakai sebagai alat, sekedar alat, untuk dengan selfish menciptakan image.

Aku rindu teman-temanku, yang pikirannya bermain merambah ke mana-mana - namun ini membuat mereka mampu melihat yang melampaui, bukan sekedar membedakan, tapi justru makin mengerti dan memperluas hati. Orang-orang yang bisa merasa resah ketika berbicara tentang kondisi yang tidak ideal, bukan karena hal itu bertentangan dengan ide indah yang ada di kepala, tapi karena dalam banyak hal kita lebih beruntung, oleh karena itu kita tidak bisa benar-benar merasakan pengalaman orang lain. Bukankah sering kita menilai sesuatu hal dari jarak yang sangat jauh, karena kita tidak berani keluar dari zona kenyamanan kita?
Aku rindu orang-orang yang tidak suka mencaci, yang tidak suka mengeluh, yang merasa harus ikut ambil bagian dan tidak sekedar mengomel. Aku rindu orang-orang yang bekerja, yang terus mengusahakan sesuatu untuk masa yang jauh ke depan, sekalipun kebanyakan orang mencibir dan mengatakan mimpi-mimpi tsb tinggal wacana karena terlalu muluk.

Aku benar-benar rindu pada sahabat-sahabatku, yang mendengar dalam diam, yang mampu mendengar ketika seseorang berdiam.

***

Tak ada yang lebih tabah
dari hujan bulan juni
dirahasiakannya rintik rindunya
kepada pohon berbunga itu

tak ada yang lebih bijak
dari hujan bulan juni
dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya
yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu

tak ada yang lebih arif
dari hujan bulan juni
dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan
diserap akar pohon bunga itu

~ Hujan Bulan Juni - Sapardi Djoko Damono

* sudah lama banget nyari2 musikalisasi puisi2 Sapardi ... nemu satu di youtube :-) bikin hati jadi teduh mendengarkannya :-) ... hujan bulan juni ... aku kagum dengan orang2 yang sudah merasa cukup ...

My Better-Half

2008-02-16T12:54:00.008+01:00

"Kita memang tak pernah tahu apa yang dirindukan
sampai sesuatu itu tiba di depan mata"
(Dee, Supernova: Akar)

Akhirnya kamu tiba di depan mata :-* Ke mana saja kamu selama ini? Ketika bertemu, rasanya seolah-olah kita sudah saling mengenal sejak dari kehidupan yang sebelumnya. Kamu satu-satunya orang yang bisa membuatku merasa tak perlu mengalami semua yang telah kujalani, karena kamu seharusnya hadir sejak awal, sejak dulu. Karena kamu bagian dari diriku, aku bagian dari dirimu, dan waktu tidak merubah itu.

Kamu orang pintar dan terbuka. Kamu apa adanya, karena kamu tahu. Kopi, rokok, dan berpikir, itu ciri khasmu (biarpun soal rokok harus kita bahas lagi, sayang ;-)). Tapi yang lebih penting, kamu orang baik. Kamu mengasihiku dengan lembut dan tidak mementingkan diri. Rasanya buah-buah kasih yang disebut di alkitab sudah semua kamu tunjukkan. Lucunya, kalau aku tanya kamu, kenapa sayang aku, kamu bilang karena aku baik. Padahal aku merasa, kamu lah yang baik :-) Kurasa, aku akan aman bersamamu sampai tua sayang :-*

Kalau seandainya kamu berubah, karena kamu seorang pemikir - inconsistent truth seeker ;-) aku tahu aku akan tetap sayang kamu. Aku juga tahu, kamu akan tetap sayang aku. Karena kita akan selalu saling menemukan, apapun yang terjadi. Hidup denganmu ngga akan statis. Hidup denganku ngga akan mudah. Yang bisa masing-masing kita jamin dan tawarkan memang bukan kemudahan. Tapi aku tahu, kamu juga, kalau kita akan bahagia. Sudah bahagia - lengkap - dan akan terus begitu.

***

Cintakah Kau Padanya (toety heraty)

bila kau tanyakan itu padaku
akan ku cerita tentang hidup padamu

budak kecil dengan nada-nada panjang
merayu binatang kesayangan dan pandang yang
ikuti balon tinggi terlepas ke langit

perempuan gunjingkan para suami
laki-laki di warung kopi dengan gurau
dan gumam pada rapat-rapat rahasia

dengan gerak tak sabar nenek menghalau burung
karena burung dekati kamboja jepang, sayang
bukankah dua kali sehari mesti disiram

bila kau tanyakan itu padaku
akan kucerita tentang hidup padamu

Makasih untuk semuanya, sayang :-*

kecanduan

2008-02-10T22:58:00.001+01:00

HER: kenapa main simulation game, mengutak-atik prenster dan jejaring2 sosial lain ini bikin kecanduan ya?

HIM: kamu narsis sihh.... :D:D:D:D:D......

HER: yeh, terus terang banget :((( ... berarti kita semua narsis doooong ;-)

HIM: kita???

HER: xixixixi ngga ngaku yaa.... *sok centil...... huahuahuahhahahaha....... :D

*cara efektif menghabiskan minggu siang di kamar saat cuaca indah dan matahari bersinar lewat jendela .... ada yang salahkah dengan hidup ini? ;-)

HER: dirimu memang bikin aku kecanduan :-*:-*:-*

HIM: :">

Language-in-transition

2008-01-21T22:57:00.000+01:00

One top university in Zurich has just changed its education system to the anglo-saxon style (bachelor-master) and started to hold lectures in English. This semester, it got 3 international students.
At the beginning of a lecture...

Professor : (addressing the class) Is there anybody who does not speak German?
3 students : (raising their hands) Yes!!
Professor : Okay, I will speak slowly German then.
3 students : ....

*bwakakakkakakkaa.................................. dasar!!! :P

How do you approach differences?

2008-01-14T13:56:00.000+01:00

Today is my first working day again, after my long holiday back home. I brought some cookies for my colleagues in my lab here: ledre pisang (kind of banana crispy pancakes), satru kacang (green beans cookies) and brem (cookies made of fermented sticky rice). All are typical snacks from my province, East Java. I already suspected that that the brem would be the strangest new taste for them. But I thought they would be able to enjoy at least the ledre pisang.

Today again, in the coffee break, I got a chance to see an interesting human reaction. Most of the people sat there, looking half-scared, torn between being polite and fear to try new things. When somebody passed the plate of cookies to some people, some unconsciously pulled away their bodies, as if they were offered a disgusting animal on a plate :D For me, this gesture was funny since the cookies, trust me, looked very safe (can you imagine if they were offered some strange-looking meal instead? butter-fried frog, for example :D). Some people were in between curious and afraid of the new things. So they were staring at the cookies all the time or asking several questions, but refused to try a bit even though I said they could just throw it away if the taste was too bad for them :D

If this happened in my first year here, I guess I could be sad or offended. My lonely or isolated feeling, as a result of being different than the rest of my colleagues, would escalate and I would react strongly against the cliché that Western people are more free or open minded, that they are more progressive and tolerant, that Zürich is very international, and so on. But today, I felt it was funny and interesting. Although I could guess already how my colleagues would react to certain things, I still wondered and wished I could penetrate to their minds - I could not fully comprehend why they were so afraid. Did they think the taste could be so bad and they would vomit it? It was just cookies after all. Or did they think it was not hygienic enough? Or was it simply a natural reaction to something unknown? (what a protected life they have!)

The way people react to small, unusual things actually reflects their approaches to bigger matters – that’s the only interpretation I can say, with the least bias ;D

who cares!!

2007-12-17T20:07:00.000+01:00

Is this the real life,
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low
Any way the wind blows
Doesn't really matter

Mama, just killed me
Put a gun against my head
Pulled my trigger, now dead
nothing really matters
Mama
I want to die
I sometimes wish i'd never been born at all

Nothing really matters
Anyone can see

(modified from bohemian rhapsody)

the illusion

2007-12-17T19:28:00.000+01:00

Amongst the flowers I
am alone with my pot of wine
drinking by myself; then lifting
my cup I asked the moon
to drink with me, its reflection
and mine in the wine cup, just
the three of us; then I sigh
for the moon cannot drink,
and my shadow goes emptily along
with me never saying a word;
with no other friends here, I can
but use these two for company;
in the time of happiness, I
too must be happy with all
around me; I sit and sing
and it is as if the moon
accompanies me; then if I
dance, it is my shadow that
dances along with me; while
still not drunk, I am glad
to make the moon and my shadow
into friends, but then when
I have drunk too much, we
all part; yet these are
friends I can always count on
these who have no emotion
whatsoever; I hope that one day
we three will meet again,
deep in the Milky Way.

(Li Po)

Telaga

2007-10-12T01:04:00.000+02:00

Telaga - Sapardi Djoko Darmono

akulah si telaga
berlayarlah di atasnya
berlayarlah menyibakkan riak-riak kecil
yang menyerakkan bunga-bunga pantai

berlayarlah sambil memandang harunya cahaya
sesampai di seberang sana
tinggalkan begitu saja perahumu
biar aku yang menjaganya

###

But many times I answered
Let the boat sail happily himself
Let me immerse myself instead, in the sorrow of your lake
Don't you understand, it's called for better or worse
Let me be your comrade
your best and most trusted one

...

SHIT!!!

and somebody is questioning
is love gentle enough not to shout out loud
when she doesn't hear what she thinks is her right (yes, I am useful ALSO for worse!)
is love patient enough for not trying to reach
is being patience the same as being idle?

make me work hard, make me sad, make me cry with you
in any case
make me part of you dear!

Sad......

2007-09-12T23:34:00.000+02:00

This morning I heard a very sad news.

Yesterday, while having morning coffee by myself in the canteen, a Chinese suddenly talked to me. She was so happy to be able to talk to other Asian, since she had been feeling lonely, being the only foreign student in her lab.

She had previously studied in Canada, where she had enjoyed very much. But here, she had problem. She had just started to learn the local language. She wished very much that in the meantime her colleagues spoke English when she was around, so as not to make her feeling too isolated. Her colleagues knew about her problem - she had talked about it and she had also talked to her supervisor. But seemed there was nothing they could do (indeed!!). She then thought: yeah, what's the point of continuing all of these? what's the point doing research for 3-4 years, which is already hard, in an environment like this? And this morning, she decided then to quit her phd study.

Her experience is a classic story of being an international student in a group where there is almost no other foreigner, and where English is not the main local language. You will almost always recognize the same patterns. In the beginning, we are enthusiastic in making effort to make friends and to integrate into the group. The colleagues also show interest to the new member - asking questions, conversing in English. As time goes by, the colleagues speak less and less English, we more and more run out of ideas and energy to always start a topic to push the group conversation back to English. Our lines then will mostly start with a question to somebody sitting the closest, will be answered in one sentence, and then both don't know how to continue. In the meantime, we will try to learn the local language. But since it needs time to be able to follow the fast conversation of the others (even when they do not include their dialects), it is still frustrating to always just sit and listen and don't understand anything. Then we will more seldom come to coffee, lunch break, party, or any social activities of the group since a whole day torture is quite enough. And we feel more lonely and isolated.

For me, it is very sad when a chance to do a phd study - a luxury that not everybody in my country has - has to be terminated for something that has nothing to do at all with the science itself (and even, it is not something that can't be helped by the surrounding). Till now, I still don't understand why it is too hard for such colleagues to help a bit with the social interaction. I myself experience this, both here and in my former lab (different country). But each time I tried to talk about this issue to others, seems it is too difficult for them to understand. Their excuses range between: "I can't really speak English!", "Why don't you have something to say then, so that people talk to you?" and "Why don't you speak our local language? Don't you want to learn it?" Adding to this, by the time we seldom come to their social meetings, they will think that we don't actually want to integrate to the group. The reactions then range between hinting or commenting directly on our lack of socialization, pushing us harder to join the group social activities that they think we need and should like, and ignoring more during the few lunch break that we sometimes still try to join.

Out of the language issue, there are also annoying (if not to say: impolite) things said by certain colleagues sometimes. Like, for example, one colleague of this Chinese girl said that he just went to a Chinese restaurant and vomited afterwards. He then talked to her about how Chinese meal is not hygienic, and how clean and good quality the Swiss food is.

All of these made me wonder, why consideration to others has so little value here?
And sometimes, it's so easy for everybody to categorize a problem under "cultural difference" while it is just about a normal, equal, human relation.

Once my good friend said, that it is better if somebody brought up not in always all-good condition, because then he/she will have more empathy to others. In a wider context, another friend also quoted from somewhere, that if only everybody is born as minority, then the world will be more peaceful and tolerant.
Perhaps it's true. When people are in comfort zone, they would rather blind themselves to others' needs than sacrificing their convenience.

A good heart is equally important as a sound mind. Otherwise, all things that we said or do are intellectually correct, but have no feeling to others.

Confused

2007-08-07T17:17:00.000+02:00

Label: ngomel ;-P

"Why do you want to do a PhD study?" - this is a common question that you will get when you are being interviewed for getting the position. I think, an equally important question that you should ask back to your employer is: Why would you like to invest in a PhD student? - do you see it as an education, a vocation in which you have the responsibility for his development as a good researcher? Or do you see him as a worker, whom you hire cheaply in exchange of the little times that you could spare for the project itself?
In many cases, there are confusion about who is responsible for what. When a project is stucked, it is quite common that the student blames his supervisor for lack of support, while the supervisor usually answers: It's your responsibility! You're the one who wants to become a PhD! I've done my phd study already!
Having gone through the study myself so far, I have an impression that, in fact, we are indeed just borrowing the place, the facility, and the initial idea of the project. The phd student is not only responsible for the progress of the project. He is also responsible for his own education, for his own development by making mistakes, solving problems, finding a way himself. This explains why the responsibility of the supervisor only extends to arranging a regular meeting, without putting any heart or full attention on it. So, it is normal that although both of you always look at the data, you are still the only one who finally finds the flaws and a new or a better way. And since you are there, in their view, as an employee, this explains why you have to be present in meetings, journal clubs, seminars, anything they required, eventhough it is in totally different field than yours and you have no idea at all of what have been talked about. You don't have to make any sense in the hours you spend for doing these activities, or whether it contributes anything to the real problems in your project. And of course there is always an honourable reason why you should do these instead of focusing on your lab work - it is for your education, you have to broaden your horizon, or so they say. It doesn't matter that the reason you continue to a PhD study is because you want to be specialized in the subject of your choice. Perhaps, the way they view you also explains why you are obliged also for fixed social activities, as a sign that you do like them as colleagues. If everybody likes hiking, than you have to excitedly like it also. If there is any game evening organized, there is even no room for choosing your own preference of the kind of the game. Other people choose it for you. And you have to sit nicely during lunch and coffee-break while everybody arounds you are talking in the language you don't understand. They do know that you can't understand their conversation, but they can't accept that you see no point in that kind of interaction.

Don't you see the contradiction? The thing that I most learned during the time I studied abroad is to grow up, to know what I want and to make up my own mind. Here, they give no flexibility even for stating my own social preference. A PhD study is all about taking responsibility for what you want, as far as I understood. That's why you have to be excited with your own project. Nobody will struggle for you in finishing it, except yourself. That's why, at a certain point, you will be alone because you have to go deeper than anybody else in your topic. A place like this, where any argument is flattened and people still have to do things that clearly doesn't make sense, just so that the group appears nice in the outside, is not an educational institution. Or perhaps, any education that is institutionalized, cannot be a true education anymore. It becomes a set of general standards that sounds good - and you don't have to actually be good, you just have to please everybody. No room left for any unique personal need.

Miskin tapi sombong ;-)

2007-05-27T00:55:00.000+02:00

ME : The Journal of Separation Science Vol. 30 Issue 6 2007 is
specially dedicated to China!
HER: Yes, I know. Amazing progress in science and research, isn't it?
They are really considered as a peer to the West. There are many
collaborations happening now with the Chinese.
ME : Hm... I don't know if they are truly considered as equal. Just a
few months ago, when we were having dinner together, my friends,
they are Dutch, said that the research quality in China is in fact
bad!
HER: Is that not a defence statement implying that they actually felt
threatened by this development?
ME : Well, in fact my supervisor in Zurich now still doesn't want to
accept any applicant coming directly from China or India. They
don't feel it's safe to hire somebody who has never studied in
Europe or US before.
HER: That's gross.
ME : It's not only her. Other staff members also in the same opinion.
Also people from my previous lab.
HER: But there have been many good Chinese scientists. Just look at
the papers, you find Chinese names everywhere.
ME : It's not about the people. It's the education quality that they
don't trust on. Most of these scientists with Chinese names are
actually working at Europe or the US, right? They probably even
did not born in China. Anyway, how many Chinese who has studied
abroad and has made good research actually come back to China to
work there?
HER: So, perhaps half of the good people are actually spread
everywhere. And in China itself? Perhaps it's not as good as what
it sounds.
ME : Well, I can't judge the real situation there. But like in
everything, illusion is created when you hear the same thing
again and again. Especially when you heard it from many "respected"
sources.
HER: But that's actually the way to be known. It's no use to do a good
work when you cannot sell yourself.
ME : So what people concern in the end is not the real quality of their
work, but the way to sell, to be known, to be admitted as having
quality. And by this, they are also deceiving themselves about their
worth.
HER: Don't be so complicated! What's the matter with that? It's the
world we are living at. It's human nature.
ME : Well, your motivation determines the way you are reaching your
goal. To me it seems there is so much focus on having been admitted
by the better West, that we are more trying to imitate what they
are doing rather than trying to find our own strength.
HER: But that's understandable. Our starting point in science is indeed
more backward than theirs. It's normal then that we are trying
to catch our lost.
ME : Do you really think we can compete with them in the same field,
while we have much less resources... well, much less access
to many resources actually, since it is protected by patent, etc.
First and foremost, this is not a fair competition to start.
HER: So... our quality will never be equal...?
ME : With the hegemony that the West is always better, we will
never stop trying to imitate and to be admitted, since they
always become the standard we are looking at. We have to study
them for things that can be useful, but we have to find our own
strength and work with it. ... And now I am asking myself about
what I am going to make, to work at.
HER: Well, you are a separation scientist...
ME : A student! I had training in separation sciences. But I know
one person who is good in separating truth from illusion.
He is my husband-to-be.
HER: I know how lucky you are. So... what are you going to do in
this near future?
ME : That's what I want to tell...

to be continued ;-)

The Sterile Beauty

2007-05-26T22:28:00.000+02:00

I was walking at the stone pier, along the side of Zurich lake where there were landmarks of water fountain and a giant lion statue. It was one of the nicest area here. You could have a walk along a small path with the lake at one side and a very tiny wood and open parks at the other side. There were small openings to the water in between plants and stones where you could just go for swimming. And there were benches everywhere, for you to daydream and to enjoy the lake view quietly, with ice cream stands nearby.

From the giant lion statue, you could have a direct view to Jet d'eau, the miniature copy of the water fountain in Geneva (it's a "miniature" because the one in Geneva is 90m height!), with the the city on hills as the background - the Uetliberg, the Zurichberg, and of course the towers of Fraumunster and St. Peters church at the old town. It was all beautiful, peaceful, very clean and..... sterile. On such a perfect day-for-picnic, things that I felt missing are people's noise and food carriages selling meatball soup and wedang ronde (glutinous rice balls with peanut fillings and ginger drink).

Once my good friend said, she did not wish our country changed to become like Europe. I could not disagree with her. Though the living standard here is perhaps one of the best in the world, why did I seldom see a group of people laughing madly and exchanging crazy jokes? The only drama that I saw on the lake today is a couple of ducks catching each other and quacking happily. It was a perfect beauty and peace on the surface. All sadness, envy, negative feelings; since the people are actually normal human; were hidden underneath. To me it's like a good life missing the life itself.

I am sure my country will not change like this. We have a different character. Warmer, less distance between people, even for the sake of hygiene. Well, perhaps not in big cities. Here on my canteen or food shops, all the assistants are wearing white gloves. Hygiene and protection is very important. I couldn't even borrow my colleagues' waterproof snow gloves because that's not hygienic. I missed my country so much just because of these matters. But when I was in my country on my last holiday and went to Carrefour, they were also wearing white gloves! New imported culture it seems, for whose concern I don't know.

Well, fortunately now, I still can go eating grilled corn on the street in my country :-) And like what my friend said, borrowed from the lyric of Yogyakarta, "Ijinkan aku untuk slalu pulang lagi ke kotaku..."

Dream and hope

2007-03-29T18:53:00.000+02:00

Have you ever throw yourself upon a moment, feeling and believing that all in the world belong to you? Perhaps it’s like the moment when you are in love for the first time, or when you have full confidence in your future.

I have had this at least once, like when I fell head-over-heels in love some years ago. Even he said, “You truly live here and now!” (benar-benar hidup di kini dan di sini) since I just opened my heart without any fear, without any reservation. Ignoring the impossible future, I would “bravely” cited Kahlil Gibran: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. [And] …The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. :-D Well, no wonder it was certainly very painful then, afterwards. :-D

Nevertheless, when everything has been over and I look back, I still can recognize how precious the moment was - that I could get courage and endurance from the confidence in what I believed, that I was enabled to come out of myself and did things that I normally would not do.

Once my friend and I was talking about and enjoying our comfort of living in a developed country (we’re both temporary immigrants, a.k.a. foreign students). Then suddenly he said, “Someday, our country will be like this.” I was struck by the confidence in his words. He even didn’t bother to explain further or to back up his statement with many theories. It was like a plain and simple truth for him. I know he and other people are working toward it. For many others, this is a dream that might come true in 50 (or 100?) years. For him, this is a dream that is already happening.

The word dream has an implication of something happening in the (very) long future, hopefully still in our life time. There are people who are said as having no dream anymore. There are also people who are still able to talk about their wishes, or at least about betterness. I have been proud with myself before, thinking that I am a better person when I can say that I am still able to dream. But is that enough?

The sermon last Sunday was about faith and hope. Although the preacher meant it for faith to Christ, for me his lesson is true for mortal affairs also. Faith is believing in a promise. Hope is the confidence that the promise will actually come true. It is, perhaps, easy to just blindly believe in something. It is more difficult to actually hope, having confidence in what I believe. When I believe in my dream, would I be able to sacrifice my comfort to reach it? Would I calculate the effort-reward ratio for my dream? When do I actually expect my dream to come true: in the long (undefined) future, never (not in my life time), or just now?

There were moments in my past when I felt and behave like a little child, holding on what she believed and actually truly lived in it - so, also having no questions or calculations. There were moments also when I felt old, not so much because I was trying to sound knowing, but because at the same time I was bitter. For the moment, I am an old woman learning again to become a little bit like that little girl from my past, having faith and hope in what I believe. A dream is happening along our ways when it is embedded in our day-to-day works toward it. It is part of here and now, and time doesn’t matter anymore.

Responsibility

2007-03-29T18:45:00.001+02:00

“It’s okay. I am a grown up, I can’t always blame other people”. This sentence has made me smile yesterday. It gave me a pleasant and calming effect also. I don’t know why. Perhaps because of a purely selfish reason, meaning I was relieved to be freed from being responsible for other people. Perhaps because I have been blamed too many times by somebody else just shortly before, that it gave me a warm feeling when another person was then able to say the opposite. Or perhaps because it reminded me of myself, long time ago, when I have said the very same words.

How far actually is our responsibility for other people’s life? I don’t know. I know that we can have influence on other people, that we could be catalyst for other people’s process. But catalyst, by definition, is just a small portion of an agent to increase the rate of a process. It is not even a part of the products. Then how much actually we can be blamed for when other people’s life cannot go smoothly at the moment when our paths cross? How much actually we can be blamed for other people misfortunes and unhappiness?

I don’t know. Perhaps guilty feeling arises from a habit, not from conscience. But one thing I know for sure. That when somebody takes matter in his own hand, then you know everything will be okay for him. Because only when you take responsibility for yourself, when you are willing to help yourself, then you can make a lot of things better.

Being Alone and Adaptation

2007-03-18T04:03:00.000+01:00

I guess my supervisor is quite worried about me. Last Wednesday after our meeting, again she asked if I feel okay. And if I really feel okay :) I said yes and kidded her by saying this is perhaps what you call adaption - I need to survive :) I was a bit surprised when she answered seriously that yes, when you cannot change it, then you have to adapt.

Of course, I agree with her spirit, that we always have to look for a way to move forward, even though the situation seems impossible to get through. By both dreaming and working to get closer to the dreams that we could actually bear any difficulties without losing our hope, or ourselves. But I am wondering if anybody ever fully adapt to being alone.

Just a few months ago, when I had severe problems with my ex, none of my good friends were physically truly present besides me. We could have contacts via emails and chats, but there were many times when I felt that I had to struggle alone, that nobody could help and I felt very lonely. At that moment, one of my friend answered my complaint: "the stronger you are, the lonelier you will be, but the more you can live with it". I survived. I know I will always survive. Being a foreigner for some - more than 5 years - now and constantly meeting and separating with different people, it was also not the first time, nor the last, that simply there was nobody around sometimes. And since people develop and change, meeting even old good friends sometimes also does not give the same bound-feeling anymore. Everybody will eventually be alone. But is it true that I can really live with it? Or even just get used to it?

Life is like a roller coaster - who was saying that? For me, life is like water stream of a long river. Despite missing people, during the last few years I have been meeting special friends, who have inspired and contributed to shape me like this, whom I always count most as blessing. For the moment I am glad, that life always brings me this blessing, often in unexpected ways. But I am always wondering now: how long this will last. Perhaps now I am too used to seeing things as temporary. Even I am is temporary. Myself changes. I don't have a home. I can go anywhere and I can decide to pursue anything that I wish, which implies again: changing.

This morning I was accidentaly listening to a song that brought some old memories back. It was a song that was touching me during some months in summer and autum 2005, before I got this position in Zurich. It was when I had been looking for a phd position and more certainty in my life for more than a year, when the clock was ticking for me to be kicked out by the immigration while I couldn't have any control on my own path, when my "fate" was depending on people who should try and had promised to find a phd grant for me but found themselves having no time, or hurry, to spend lots of energy in helping me. It was also when I was separating with some of my best friends. I truly felt like that another suitcase in another hall, again and again.

This song is sung much better by Sarah Brightman, but I couldn't find the tag of hers. So, here it is re-sung by Madonna in the film Evita.

Looking back, I think I should be grateful to finally arrive in Zurich, to have a contract for 4 years, which is can be viewed as "almost permanent" compared to my life previously. But people never get satisfied, or perhaps it is just me, who has started to dream again for other things while still having a temporary transit on this path.

And I think I will never get used to being alone ;) not to mention living and being content with it.

Just remember an old question

2007-03-08T18:24:00.000+01:00

H : Why, in spite of his disability, do you love him? Are you blind? Or is it a pity?

M : Once there is a story about a grasshopper inside a covered glass. All his life, the grasshopper only knew to jump as high as the top of the glass. One day, somebody removed the cover. But the grassphopper could not make himself jump out of his cage. He didn't know how to jump higher anymore.

I love him, because he can make himself jump out of his limitation.
I love him, not for how high he has jumped up, but for the length of journey he has been through.

The Free Association

2007-02-17T21:52:00.000+01:00

How many times you see reactionary comments in someone's blog, attacking both the writer and what he writes?
How many times you yourself relate somebody's character (or rather: whether you like him or not) to his writing or comment in a blog, forum, or mailing list?
Just exactly how much you reveal about yourself in this virtual world?
Certainly not everything, but also not nothing, and might actually be not less than during vis-à-vis contact (hmm... this is beginning to sound like Agatha Christie: it's not the physical appearance which is important, Hasting! It is the psychology - to what things he reacts and how he reacts - says Hercule Poirot a.k.a. peregrin :-D)

Well, those above are just some random thought :-) I am now actually intrigued by the topic of psychoanalysis, the method to investigate the unconscious mind. One of the techniques that is very interesting is the parapraxes, the Freudian slips - an error in speech, memory, or physical action that is believed to be caused by the unconscious mind. One example would be when a man calling his wife or girlfriend by the name of another girl (gotcha!! :-)).
Other techniques are the free association and symbolism. Well, back to the internet, this would happen a lot, wouldn't it? Since we would have time to let our mind works, making free association unconsciously in interpreting others' writing, and eventually we would reveal what has been long in the back of our mind when we give reaction (not necessarily the correct interpretation to what the other person's meant). The other way around also - we often choose carefully what we write, but still symbolism and parapraxes happens, although this wouldn't be obvious to everybody.

In analytical chemistry (as this is my formal field :-)), there is a control, e.g. validity test, to ensure that the data presented to us shows the accurate situation, avoiding false positive and negative. In psychoanalysis, how to control this? How to control, for example, the dream interpretation technique? Could the influence of the psychoanalyst to the patient be totally avoided? I remember the novel by Nicci French - The Memory Game - in which a psychiatrist can emphasize and direct the process of recalling memory of the patient, making her telling things that has not happened.

Well, for the moment I am waiting for a friend to explain to me more about at least the dream interpretation. I guess I have to read more some books since I don't know what to ask first. But this would take a longer time ... *sigh. I don't have so much time to read everything I want :-(

Collaboration??

2007-02-15T21:58:00.000+01:00

"Every sin is the result of collaboration" (Stephen Crane)

***

Well, discussing sin-not sin is not the intention of this posting (I am a sinful person afterall, what's more to discuss?). Just found the nice quote above in internet (where else?) :-)

Anyway, these last few months, I have been forced to deal with people from very different backgrounds. Starting with the journal club, etc. etc. (details are too boring!), until last week when I had to present the results of my master study as a prerequisite for joining one of the life sciences programs here.
My master research was in the field of chemistry. The examiners now were all molecular biologists. Strange situation. It was the first time for me to defend something in front of people who, approaching the same problem like mine, would choose totally different ways.
Anyway, the unpleasantness is not a big deal anymore, and I got accepted anyway :-) But it was interesting to see how an idea, initiated by one small group, could become a vision of many, while at the same time everybody says, "My way is the right way!!" and regards others' ways/works as almost junks.

As how come everybody agrees with the same vision, while giving this ignorance-to-others attitudes, is a mistery to me. Clearly everybody has the same problem (or recognize the same problem). This, in combination with continuing promotion, expectation of new profitable "innovation" by companies (the money-suppliers), the drive for (seemingly) being (also) in the frontier and not-to-be-left-out (afterall, trend followers are not only in fashion or gadgets) could have made one idea becomes the current hot topic in research.

What I have been talking about is the "omics" trend, the changing paradigm in looking at human physiology and disease mechanism (hence, disease treatments as well). The analytical chemists, partly advancing this holistic approach, would like to go far above, looking at human physiology like a satelite mapping the geographical surface of the earth. The biologists... well, I don't know - they just started. By default, biologists are looking at each small compartment of human body, studying every enzyme and metabolite and pathway. This has been the default approach in drug discovery and development, and this is exactly the paradigm that has been shifted by "omics". Then somewhere, either in the meeting point of holistic and conventional approaches or just in the middle of a lot of data, the mathematicians play a role, determining what is significant and what is junk. Looking at this, one would presume that collaborations among all interested disciplines would be the best way to clean the mess and to reach the common goal faster. But, is it that simple?

One of the hindrance in collaboration, I guess, is the preconceived bias when judging other people's works. Afterall, people need confidence, hence security, when choosing one particular way. Perhaps this is especially in research, or in any other works, when the positive results take a long time to be seen and the continued enthusiasm are partly based on faith.

Another question would be: what kind of collaboration would give the best input to everybody? Collaboration is of course loosely defined. Our institute, for example, consists of different specialized area in cell biology and (a bit) analytical chemistry. It is the idea of the big boss to have such a diverse group, which he believes is the best way to progress together. We are having regular meeting together, of course, if this is already considered good collaboration. But since the group is so diverse, there is no significant input then from others to your practical laboratory works. And this is sad, I think, because how can you progress - deeper in your specialization - if nobody criticize the details of your works?

Anyway, despite of everything, I guess I should be grateful, being in the middle of everything and have a chance to see and learn a lot of things like this. Although I am still struggling in the art of talking to people who would only listen to their own prejudice :-) (One advice that I ever got: no use to argue with morons. Well, this moron is my colleague! What can I do??).
Nevertheless, I am also very interested to see the development of this joint-ventures of different specialized disciplines and how research in "omics" would be developed.

Back to the quote, indeed it is only sin collaborates people best, without even the need of good communication :-) Everybody would just automatically protect others in attempt to protect himself :-)

The Suffocating Room

2007-02-06T18:27:00.000+01:00

Have you ever been inside a very very small room? This room is so small, and the ceiling is so low, that all you can do is sitting and bending your legs, folding your arms to hug your body. And the only movement you can is with your head, to look at the darkness or to hide in between your arms. The air is so bad that, everytime you inhale, it feels like there is a big foam blocking your airway. There!! You feel trapped! You try to focus on a single light, coming from any crack in the wall, but the darkness is so overwhelming that every vision you have is blurred. And you fear, for something that you can't figure out, because your mind feels numb. The only thing happens in your mind, and your heart and your body, is the desire to escape.

At that moment, every laughter becomes more sinister, every finger-point pushes you further to the corner, and every demand parts you from your own self-will. Until you realize, that every unfriendly act is a struggle to come out of the black box of fear. And that we all, for the moment, are in our own suffocating rooms.

kinderenwereldtje

2007-01-27T22:49:00.000+01:00

Anybody who has been in the Netherlands has perhaps seen these pictures of two little boy and girl. Jip en Janneke are famous as the characters of Annie G. Schmidt and their adventure-stories have been translated into many languages (I even found in google the Tono-Tini version of this :-)). Nevertheless, the original Dutch version has been proven timeless and captured the hearts of people from different ages (e.g. me :-)), thanks to the great illustration made by Fiep Westendorp. These two women together have enriched the imagination of millions of Dutch children from several generations.

To me, it is Fiep's illustration which is most fascinating (perhaps because I'm not 8 years old anymore :-)). Just take a look at Jip en Janneke. How can someone draw silhouettes and put expression there, make us (and children) understand what is happening, and at the same time amuse us? And look at other illustrations; Flodertje, Pim en Pom (not by Annie, but it was also illustrated by Fiep), Dikkertje Dap, etc.; they are all witty and entertaining.

Perhaps it is also the 3-letters-name of the characters (Jip, Pim en Pom, etc.) which make all together sound amusing also, especially when you listen the musical-version here.

Dikkertje Dap
Dikkertje Dap (the name of the child :-))
Zat op de trap
Sitting at the stairs
s-Morgens vroeg om kwart over zeven
Early in the morning at 7:15
Om de giraffe een klontje te geven
To give the giraffe a sugar block

'Dag giraffe'
Hello giraffe
Zei Dikkertje Dap
Said Dikkertje Dap
'Weet je wat ik heb gekregen?
Do you know what I got?
Rode laarsjes voor in de regen'
Red boots for in the rain
'Het is niet waar!'
It's not true!!
Zei de giraffe
Said the giraffe
'Dikkertje Dikkertje Dikkertje Dikkertje ik sta paf!'
Dikkertje... I am baffled!

'O giraffe'
O giraffe
Zei Dikkertje Dap
Said Dikkertje Dap
'Ik moet je nog veel meer vertellen,
I have to tell you more
Ik kan al drie letters spellen: A-B-C!
I can all the three letters spell: A-B-C
Is dat niet knap?
Isn't that smart?
Ik kan ook al bijna rekenen
I am also almost able to count
En ik kan mooie poppetjes tekenen'
And I can draw beautiful puppets

nice story, isnt't it? :-)

I wish children in Indonesia could be lucky enough to also have such imaginary characters who are close to their world, who represent their daily lives and who are like their neighbouring friends. Not a supranatural one (although there's nothing wrong with this, I'm not against Gatutkaca :-)). Just as the way children are, and allowed to be curious and to make mistakes. Perhaps it is not needed to always burden children stories with "moral values", i.e. what is expected from them as pre-adults ("Tono bermain bola, Tini ke pasar bersama ibu, Budi dihukum karena nakal" ... why don't they ask why Budi doesn't want to go to school? Perhaps the teacher is too boring ;-) And what if Tini - a girl - prefers to play football instead of helping mommy?). Perhaps by letting children to develop naturally just as they wish to be, we can then have adults who are less judgemental to other people who have different values than them ;-) Like what it is said in Totto-Chan: every child is basically good.

PS: for bebek - maybe children illustration is your vocation? *wink... ditunggu lho, karya-karyanya ;-)

***

"A carpenter never gets an award for a beautiful table. But when someone does something worthwhile in the arts, there's always such a song and dance." (Fiep Westendorp)

Great site about both of them: http://www.annie-mg.com/

cubit senang

2007-01-12T17:17:00.000+01:00

Minggu ini aku belajar, bahwa hidup tidak hanya persegi-persegi hitam putih. Ada banyak cacat dan ketakteraturan. Tapi bukannya itu juga yang menjamin perubahan. Bentuk-bentuk itu ada, untuk membuat kita selalu ingat akan hidup yang bergerak.

Dan di sudut-sudut tepi yang cacat, ada kejutan-kejutan kecil yang mencubit senang. Seolah berkat mengalir tak pernah putus, walau kadang tertutup reka.

Yang terdefinisi dan diharapkan, tak datang. Namun kejutan-kejutan manis itu berkata, bahwa hidup yang mengalir memang membawa ketidakpastian. Di dalamnya aku menemukan syukur.

***

Thanks for everybody, who has made yesterday a beautiful day ^_^

Guten Rutsch*

2007-01-07T18:28:00.000+01:00

New Year comes with new resolution. One of mine was a direct result of heart-to-heart talk (or heart-to-head, to be more precise :-)) with my supervisor on my last working day, just before holiday.

Last year had been an exhausting year for me. Besides personal problem and the usual work demand, I had been feeling more and more like a misplaced person in the institute. Perhaps it was a culmination of all the pressure together, of starting in a new place, of being a foreigner (whose differences amazed the never-going-out-of-the-country colleagues), of being a lone ranger in terms of my subject in the institute. Added on top of that, my own evaluation of my PhD study.

I have always considered my field to be (or should be) in the area of chemistry. After all, you need chemistry to understand what is going on during processing and analysing your sample. Then, since you are using analytical instrument, you need a bit (or a lot) of physics also, depending on how far you are playing with your instrument. Biology comes later, when you are moving away from experimenting with the hardware of your instrument and getting closer to more application.

I have never been in doubt of my preference; i.e. more into application, closer to patients; and that's why I landed in this institute. Of course, pharmaceutical sciences is just at the intersection of many natural sciences' displicines. You always need a bit of everything to understand everything.
But problem comes as you are moving deeper into your own spesialized subject. The question is then, how broad is enough? Broadness has inverse operation to deepness, just like a manager functions differently than a technical specialist.

In this institute, I am the only one doing analytical chemistry, while everybody else doing anything related to molecular or cell biology and on purposely (I mean, they have said clearly to me that they don't care) oblivious to even the most basic knowledge of my subject. I felt then like a stranger, lack of scientific input from others and lack of my own contribution to others. Worse was when the big boss of the institute wanted us, the PhD students from different research areas, to integrate more by having regular scientific discussion to broaden ourselves. But since the big boss and the staff members themselves don't know where our overlapping technical interest is, why don't we all discuss history instead? ;-) That is also broadening, isn't it? (by agreed definition, broadening is discussing topic different than our daily project). At least, it is fair to everybody :-)

My supervisor of course understood my problem very well. She is actually at the same place like me, only we have different position :-) Good supervisor, she promised to find another PhD student and postdoc soon :-) so I could scientifically benefit from my surrounding also in this institute. (Of course there have been already projects that needs another PhD and postdoc. But I like the way she consoled me :-)).

But back to my new resolution, as she and I agreed, I would integrate myself more to the research group of my doctoral-father; which is no biology at all and actually a lot of physics, but still it could be a good balance for my research.

So there I was, during my first two working days in this new year, attending two totally different group seminars. The second one on Friday was the one from the institute. Again, it made me think if I have made a good choice by coming to this group for my PhD. And again, of course, I re-evaluated what I really want and like to do, for now and for the future.

Nowadays, most people do not talk about only a single discipline - chemistry, biology, physics, or even pharmaceutical sciences. In this area, they like to use the term "life sciences". There have been more and more joint-initiatives among different specialized areas in natural sciences. As mentioned in the joint-program of ETHZ and University of Zurich, "The life sciences encompas the experimental natural sciences, biology, chemistry, and physics, including the integrated methods from mathematics and information technology, as well as clinical medicine". It includes also enviromental sciences, agriculture, nutrition sciences, etc. The sense of globalization has been also in the development of natural sciences. Although, when it boldly states, "The life sciences... exhibit broad inter-disciplinarity with no boundaries"; well, I don't agree. The boundary do exist, and it is a meeting point for the same purpose, not always an integration (where different areas truly find an overlap, hence create a new branch of branches of science).

I think, I hope, that my awkward position here, would eventually be a blessing in disguise. From where else I can have a chance to discuss and evaluate the results of a molecular biology experiement, for example, without actually having to do the lab-work myself (which can take at least days, providing you don't have to grow something first beforehand). Although I almost cry whenever I have to read their papers - it's like reading in foreign language - and it takes many hours of my precious time. I will also stand any "strange" question or reaction whenever we have to do "integration", I get a chance to learn the different ways of thinking from different specialized people anyway. It is a useful experience, I think, for my future, especially if I go back to Indonesia where money-and-other-things prevent technical specialization, where I think inter-collaboration very much needs to be developed and I also wouldn't want to be limited only in a single discipline.
And as for getting scientific input from my surrounding, hmm... this is more difficult to be solved. But it is not a dead-end yet, as I can still try to find it outside the institute. It could be then at the same time broadening my network.

So I am not quitting yet :-) Although finding another place has been in the back of my mind. No, not now. Not this year at least :-) As an old friend of mine always said whenever we were in unfavourable condition, "Try to make the best out of it". I agree. I will turn all of these into blessing.

So, although a bit late, but still:

Wünsche einen guten Rutsch ins Neue Jahr!

* Literally translated: good sliding.

manusia yang (sangat) dimanusiakan

2006-12-20T19:33:00.000+01:00

category: sirik, ngomel, dan "jetlag dari leiden" :-p

***

Aku baru dengar dari teman satu lab; salah satu dosen di sini sedang mencari tenaga utk memeriksa sample pasien dg PCR (kami kerja di satu institute bagian dr RS, yg melayani berbagai macam analisa yg diperlukan oleh pasien). Tenaga diperlukan utk "jaga" waktu weekend, kalau2 ada sample yg harus diperiksa. So, the person in charge should be around Zurich always during the whole weekend of her duty. Sebenarnya sih nggak seharian penuh krn mereka bisa telpon jam 2 siang utk tanya ada sample apa nggak. Tapi ya this person nggak bisa bikin rencana macam2 selama weekend itu, apalagi ke luar kota, krn bisa sewaktu2 dipanggil.

Well, singkatnya, yg bikin shock ini bayarannya. Kalau ada sample yg harus dikerjakan, bakal butuh waktu kira2 2 jam, dan that person bakal dibayar 150CHF (Rp. 1.100.000)! Kalau ternyata perlu 2 kali analisa, so lebih dari 2 jam, bakal dibayar 250CHF. Ok lah, ini Swiss, standard gaji emang tinggi (sekaleee!). Tapi, kalau seandainya nggak ada sample sama sekali yg harus dikerjakan, that person bakal tetap dibayar, 50CHF (Rp. 366.000) sbg kompensasi krn weekend tsb dia nggak bisa ke mana2!! Dibayar (mahal) krn jatah hari liburnya "terganggu".... Gubrakkk!!! Dg tawaran yg bikin mata ijo inipun, sebagian besar memilih pikir2 dan bahkan menolak krn...... itu kan weekend...... Gubrakk brakk!!

Swiss emang negara kaya (sekalee... buangett...). Di sini, tiap orang bisa ambil S3, nggak perlu susah2... malah mereka heran kalau diceritain ada orang yg harus berjuang dulu, ditolak sana sini, sebelum bisa dapat posisi PhD. Dalam riset maupun dalam kehidupan sehari2, rasanya duit tidak pernah jadi barang susah. Mungkin karena itu juga ya, teman2 labku kelihatan sangat tidak nyaman kalau kita ngobrol soal2 lain, di luar soal hiking, skiing, going out, dan keluhan2 ttg hal2 yg sama sekali gak perlu dikeluhkan di lab kita.
Kalau aku cerita tentang seorang teman yg terpaksa bermasalah dg suaminya krn pendidikan si perempuan yg lebih tinggi, tentang teman yg memilih bekerja daripada mengambil libur krn mengejar satu target, tentang tidak mudahnya membangun kehidupan sosial di tempat baru, dsb. "It seems it's another world," they said. Well, that's true, it is indeed a different life for them.

This is a very very rich country, and I feel poor here...

gersang banget ... kagak ada warna2-nya :-(

Every piece falls into its place

2006-11-13T18:54:00.000+01:00

"Fly," you warned, "and you will lose me forever!"
My dear...... yes. But I do not lose myself.

***

So we met again. On the lake of vast mountains. Do you remember? The season before had been bad. We both had been drunk, trying to grip our own imagination. I... the first flutter of the wings had been conceived by the first lift at a bicycle. You... yeah, you always behaved ridiculous, just like now, at the same spot, the same time of the year.

And now you brought a little flower. Time was sucked into the unlimitedness of empty space. The well known tale was replayed. While I was watching the mirror of myself, the world has been shaken and upside down. And something inside was caught in toughness.

We all had lived in the world of illusion, created by you. Hadn't everything should been intrepreted the other way around? The strongest is the one in deepest need. That's why it had not been a free gift. Independency and dependency. Aren't we all receivers?

You blamed me for leaving, for standing on my own feet. You, of all soul friends, who had initiated the course of nature. So illusion was well illuminated, but all insights had not been lies. You may not know what you had yourself been saying. But mine was not false realization. My dear dear...... you can't stop me. I will create my own dream and reality. You'll see.

Memory is indeed a big cheater. And I miss a character that I had once been proud of, that I had been warmed. But every piece falls into its place, since the magic has gone.

Can you help when you are being helped or do you prefer being helped?

2006-10-26T22:47:00.000+02:00

I guess my impression of non-prosperity of Malta (and the need of an ‘up-grade’ ;-)) came from my travelmates. I wouldn't notice myself the seemingly neglected houses, broken pipes and water flooding the street (well... flood? you haven't seen Sidoarjo!) and other ‘little things’ which do not usually happen in west European countries.

Perhaps seeing my friends’ reaction - this sense of ‘we are better’, or “Well, here is a developing country. But EU will bring improvement, which is needed INDEED!” – made me feel pity towards my own country. What do foreigners think when they come to my country? Of course they will have that damn impression: “Oh it’s beautiful. So exotic. I love your country so much!” But, what do they really feel when they see all the relative inconvenience that makes them do not feel as safe as in their own countries? Perhaps it’s more or less expected, accepted as the ‘fate’ of a developing country.

I used to think that having the concern from other countries would provide help in solving some of my country's problems. They could at least provide scholarships, networks, pressure in certain issues. We campaign abroad when we’re stuck in our own country, don’t we? We want to learn from foreign countries, which are seen as more advanced, more progressive. And we want them to help us.

Once my friends were discussing the autobiography of Hirsi Ali. One of them who had read Mijn Vrijheid told us how severe the condition of women in some countries is, as pictured in her book. What is their concluding remark then? “Wel, Netherlands is toch beter.” (The Netherlands is indeed a better place). What is actually the impact of an outside-concern like this to the actual problems? Maybe only an acknowledgement, that some of the people from these in-developing countries have been good enough as pupils from them, have been eventually enlightened.

A country is like a home. When it is neglected by its own members, nobody else can do anything about it. People from outside can have concern, can offer help, but it will be always limited. They can give advices, can give examples. But the members would only find the answers to their problems inside their home, unique to their own.

There is one quote saying this: ‘In the future the world shall not be classified into: developed, developing, and underdeveloped countries. But we shall put them into: smart, smarter, and smartest countries.’ There is more than enough evidence in nature that makes me believe in this. Harsh condition makes creatures becoming stronger, developing the necessary tools, and eventually surviving others.

Then I am back to my old question. What can I do in my country? What contribution that I can make? Once a friend said that I should just do the best I can do in my capacity. Doing something, especially with the best effort, is of course better than doing nothing. But would the best thing that we can learn by studying abroad be in finding alternatives? That the so-called solving-problem-power is the ability and persistence in exploring beyond the frontiers and being creative? That we should always try to do something that gives an added value, not just a repetition?

***

"Everyone must dream. We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming - well, that's like saying you can never change your fate. Isn't that true?" (Amy Tan, The Hundred Secret Senses)

The Ivory of Mediterranean

2006-10-26T20:50:00.000+02:00

Malta - A tiny island between Sicily and North Africa. Where the language sounds like Arabic and the houses bear the symbol of Maria. Where limestone buildings and city walls rise above the sea, like ancient guardians. Where the biggest church in Europe impressively marks the city of Mosta. And where you can find temples older than pyramide and stonehenge, the labyrinth of catacombs, and the silence city Mdina.

Romantic, that's what I felt about Malta. The island and its towns glimmered their rich history. Nearly everybody had come, conquered, and influenced this small country. From Arab and Byzantine to British and Napoleon. It is strange how our impression (of the past) is influenced a lot by our imagination. If you look more into the history, it is a bloody story, a difficult life for its people. Yet I found it interesting, beautiful.
When you enter the city of Valetta through the only passage in their city wall, you will find rows of beautiful architectures at a hilly landscape - balconies, squares, people enjoying the sunshine.
Yet when you look closer - paint peeled from the walls of houses, dust at the windows and cars and everywhere, giving an impression of neglected houses and belongings. Giving me impression of a hard living. Still, it looked more charming than Switzerland, for example, where everything is clean, neat, and highly organized.

When you asked me of a particular event in my past, my impression can also fool me. I cannot give you an accurate story then. Am I then being honest (to myself)? When you ask if I like the Netherlands, I would now say yes, I was happy there, and I miss it. Yet you know that I have complaint a lot, and I chose to leave it and went to other places. When you asked if I have loved a particular person in the past, I could say no, it's just this or that. Or the opposite. Strange that the impression left is correcting the actual truth. Or "truth"?
Even for current events, my judgement is influenced by my impression, my prejudice, my longing. As always.

PS: Sorry for the misleading title :-)

***

"In the sunset of dissolution, everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia, even the guillotine." (Milan Kundera)

a playing ground

2006-10-15T22:21:00.000+02:00

If only the end point could be moved somewhere else
so I could still play around and round
But this is not an infinite game
so I have to draw conclusion from what is unfinished
Tomorrow is one of the deadlines...

Membuat "bunga salju" :-)

2006-10-14T21:23:00.000+02:00

Setelah 3 hari bersabar: mencampur succinic anhydride dan dimethylaminoethanol, dimasak selama 4 jam, diuapkan, dilarutkan ... ditunggu sampai muncul serpihan-serpihan putih ... diberi ether yg baunya wow sedaap :-) sambil digoyang-goyang dalam air panas (tukang masaknya ikut bergoyang tuh, menikmati ether ;-)) ... dibiarkan semalaman, besok paginya kristal putih kecil-kecil terbentuk di dasar labu kaca ... diulangi lagi proses ini; dilarutkan, dibiarkan seharian; dan diulangi lagi, lagi, biar hasil yg terbentuk makin murni

Senang deh waktu melihat kristal putih yg bagaikan serpihan-serpihan bunga salju terbentuk, my precious :-) ...
Seingatku, praktikum organic synthesis waktu kuliah farmasi dulu nggak semenarik ini. Mungkin krn dulu lebih terpaku pada protokol. Sedangkan sekarang, seperti seni, seperti memasak ... tidak ada prosedur detil, hanya lihat resepnya di jurnal :-)

psstt... sempat gosong pula :-) ... lha ditulis masak selama 4 jam dg suhu 65 derajat ... eh tahunya harus sering diaduk-aduk, kalo nggak ... nah gosong beneran tuh ;-p

Beda filosofi pengobatan?

2006-10-05T21:33:00.000+02:00

Setelah batuk melulu kalau malam sejak Maret, terutama saat cuaca dingin (yang hampir tiap hari di sini, biarpun bln Agustus :-)), akhirnya aku ke poliklinik USZ kemarin. Ternyata aku didiagnosis asma ringan.
Bukan hanya dokter ini saja yg menduga asthma (minggu depan masih harus check lagi), teman2 di RS dan seorang teman dokter juga menduga yg sama krn mendengar batukku yg katanya "wheezing". Di Belanda 2 th yg lalu, sempat juga batuk parah. Dokter waktu itu tidak memberi tahu soal asthma, tapi dia memberikan obat yg sama dg sekarang, kortikosteroid inhaler, utk inflamasi di jalan napas.
Herannya, sejak lebih dari 5 th yg lalu di Indonesia, aku emang sering batuk sampai berbulan-bulan, dan sudah ke berbagai ahli THT. Gak ada seorangpun yg mendiagnosis asma, hanya dosis codein (sejenis opioid, utk menekan refleks batuk) dan antibiotikku aja yg semakin diperkuat :-) Apa ini salah satu contoh beda pengobatan di Eropa dan di Asia / Indonesia?

Sehabis dari poliklinik tsb, aku ketemu seorang teman dari Vietnam, dokter juga, dan dia tidak setuju dg hasil diagnosa tsb, "of course it's not asthma! you're coughing!!"
Kemudian dia curhat: menstruasinya sudah terlambat seminggu dan dia sudah tes dan tidak hamil. Dia jadi khawatir dan ingin di-ultrason oleh ginekolog di RS ini. Ternyata oleh ginekolog tsb, dia di-tes kehamilan lagi (dengan hasil negatif) dan disuruh menunggu seminggu lagi sbl permintaan tesnya disetujui. Teman ini mengeluh, "Dokter di sini terlalu mengikuti prosedur, step-by-step. Di negara saya, gampang sekali utk tes spt ini. Saya tinggal minta tolong kolega saya."

Jadi teringat cerita seorang teman lain yg suaminya, lagi-lagi, dokter. Kali ini dokter kandungan, dan suaminya ini bersekolah kedokteran di Jerman. Ketika kembali ke Indonesia, dia mengeluh tentang perbedaan2 antara yg dia pelajari di Jerman dg kenyataan yg dia lihat di Indonesia. Di Indonesia, operasi caesar gampang sekali dilakukan, bahkan hanya dengan alasan si ibu takut sakit. Sedangkan si teman dokter ini terlanjur diajarkan utk tidak mengambil resiko yg tidak perlu yg bisa membahayakan si pasien. Operasi caesar termasuk operasi besar dan harus dengan alasan yg benar2 kuat. Konflik batin deh jadinya :-)

Bagiku memang kelihatannya pengobatan di Asia (Indonesia) lebih berfokus pada meredakan symptom / gejala2 penyakitnya saja (dan dengan demikian juga meredakan keluhan si pasien :-)). Kalau kalian ke dokter di Belanda misalnya, jangan langsung berharap akan diberi obat. Konsultasi pertama, kemungkinan besar akan disuruh beristirahat dahulu. Terkena infeksi kandung kemih misalnya, seminggu pertama akan disuruh banyak minum air dan yg asam2 (jus jeruk dsb). Setelah seminggu, dites lagi dan kalau ternyata bakterinya masih berkeliaran barulah diberi antibacterial.

Aku pribadi sih sebenarnya lebih setuju cara pengobatan yg seperti ini, terutama untuk penyakit2 yg memang pengobatan yg tersedia hanya bersifat symptomatic, seperti flu. Beri kesempatan tubuh utk beristirahat dan memulihkan dirinya sendiri dulu. Untuk jangka panjang, ini lebih baik. Obat diberikan hanya jika benar2 perlu, selain untuk mengurangi efek2 samping yg tidak diinginkan, juga meminimalisasi penyalahgunaan obat.

Tapi jadi ngelantur lagi. Barangkali gaya pengobatan di Asia (Indonesia) yang seperti ini; yang seolah2: 'yang penting si pasien tidak mengeluh lagi'; terkait dengan kondisi sosial ekonomi di negara tersebut. Di Eropa, orang berhak untuk sakit :-) Cuti sakit kita tidak mengambil jatah hari libur kita. Di Swiss, kita berhak cuti 3 hari tanpa keterangan dokter. Dan dengan keterangan dokter, bisa "selama-lamanya" :-) dan tetap digaji. Di Indonesia, mana boleh orang sakit. Minimal jatah cuti diambil, atau malah bisa2 dipecat oleh bos. Barangkali kalau ada dokter di Indonesia yang menyarankan pasiennya utk bed-rest, bakal kagak bakal dibayar tuh dokter. Seperti kata teman saya, "buat apa ke dokter kalau nggak dapat obat!" :-)

Berdamai...

2006-09-30T23:52:00.000+02:00

For this upcoming bloody talk, I've been often working more than 12 hours per day, for months. And..... Voila!! no result until now! Like I said previously, this is a neverending Murphy's law. Everything is going wrong!

Pernah nggak berada dalam situasi di mana segala yang kamu coba tidak membuahkan hasil, dan hal ini berlangsung selama berbulan-bulan! There's no way to escape, and there is no other way except keep going on and on, sambil berusaha mempertahankan sisa-sisa kepercayaan diri yang makin merosot. Well, I guess this IS research. Paling tidak, sepanjang yg aku tahu, salah satu tujuan PhD-training emang utk melatih stamina menjalani kegagalan demi kegagalan dalam eksperimen (for 4 years, my friend!), sambil tetap bersemangat dan terus tidak kekurangan ide-ide baru. Seperti yg supervisor dan promotor selalu bilang, "Somehow it will work." Yup! I totally agree. One tiny problem is, we both just don't know how! (currently)

Dalam kondisi lelah fisik dan pikiran, biasanya pikiran2 (sok) romantis malah muncul (weleh!). Entah ini means of survival, means of escape, atau sekedar excuse pada diri sendiri. Beberapa hari terakhir ini, pas lagi suntuk dan browsing2 bbrp blogs, jadi merasa diingatkan lagi tentang bbrp hal.

Dulu sekali, seorang sahabat dekat sering mengingatkan: cobalah melihat melampaui segala yang ada saat ini. Walaupun konteks saat itu beda, tapi aq paling tidak diingatkan utk tidak terlalu khawatir. Khawatir bagaimana kalau kenyataan yang (akan) terjadi tidak sesuai seperti yg diinginkan, bagaimana kalau target tidak tercapai, dsb. Kekhawatiran2 ini bikin aku jadi makin menggebu2 bekerja lebih giat (baca: longer hours), tapi pada saat yg bersamaan juga bikin lelah hati dan pikiran. Working hard, but not always working smart.

Melampaui deadline, angka2 dan syarat yg seolah2 menentukan berarti tidaknya aku, menentukan bahagia tidaknya hidupku. Padahal tidak ada yg tahu apa yg akan terjadi di hari esok toch. Paling tidak, seharusnya aq sudah belajar dari pengalaman, bahwa apa yg lama aku rencanakan, bisa tiba2 gagal total. Sesuatu yg seolah2 sudah dalam genggaman, bisa2 tiba2 terlepas begitu saja.

Dan di luar soal pekerjaan saat ini, ada pula soal2 lain yg kadang menambah beban pikiran dan membuat segalanya terasa tidak nyaman. Lagi-lagi, kayanya aku masih harus banyak belajar. Belajar melihat yang melampaui, belajar tidak menggenggam terlalu erat - belajar berdamai.
Berdamai dengan situasi yang tidak enak (memang tidak akan pernah ideal), dengan hal2 yg tidak bisa dirubah saat ini. Terus berusaha, tapi tidak kesetanan.

Yah, mulai lagi deh, (belajar) berjalan tanpa beban...

***

I'm like a runner keeping the goal in my eyes
How can I look around and enjoy the view
But is it not the journey more important than the final step
The end point will only give you
one answer to one question
But the journey enriches you
with many answers (and many more questions)
It is only through a journey you gain what is valuable
just like the voyage to Ithaca*

But when your mind is set to only one thing
you cannot free yourself
Looking beyond dates and pre-set ending
Why is it so difficult?

*Ithaca - found in The Zahir, Coelho

10-things I hate about my playmates... (in the lab)

2006-09-25T22:30:00.000+02:00

*excerpt from my other blog, 15/09/06

No, I am NOT playing whatever in the lab. I am WORKING, you see... But as all lab-workers know, working in the lab = playing. Just as what my supervisor always said whenever I got stucked, "just try to play around a bit, maybe you'll have different results..." And as I spent most of my evenings and weekends with all my little tubes and my machine here, they become very intimate to me. You see, I spent more times trying to understand them than to understand a guy.
However, sometimes you really got stucked... stucked... stucked... Here are the-10-things I hate about them:

1. They always like to give you nice surprises, e.g. suddenly behaving differently, giving you unexpected (and unexplained) results ... and at surprising times also, i.e. near the deadlines

2. They follow the weather's change and they have bad moods also. When your work involving chemical-interactions, then you'll see differences on the day and at night, in summer and in winter... The worst is when you already have temperature control, then you can't blame the weather anymore when you have bad results :-(

3. They can be very very stubborn! You flirt with them, give a lot of attention, even change your daily habits, and they still do not change. You stretch your imagination as widely as possible to find yet another approach and minimize your sleeping and resting time just for them to give you a little bit of nice results, and they refuse!!!

4. Okay, this is a chemical-physical experiment, so everything must behave according to the law of nature, right? Oh no, no... just like a kungfu master never told all their secret, there is always something you can't explain. You know, they have to be myterious to be interesting.

5. Have you ever heard of "derivatization"? When you put some stones into your pillow case, wrap everything together and throw it to somebody that you hate, that's derivatization. You attach something, some additional molecules, to your original compound and make it useful in different way then (because now his chemical charateristic has been changed).
Now, sometimes you'll see your compound turning to different colour after you derivatized him. You measure everything, check everything, make sure that everything is exactly the same (because this is lab, everything is controlled so you know what to blame), and then your compound thinks, "Wow, what a boring life, let's make some fun. Let's turn into different shades of purple!!" ... yes, what fun!!! you don't want different shades of purple!!! you want just one purple, exactly the same like yesterday and last week!!

6. What do you do when you smell something very bad in your kitchen? Like smell of rotten eggs, 1 kg fish, or 10-months-unwashed-socks? Now, you'll do something, right? You'll find the source of the smell and discharge it. We, in the lab, also do something. We use them! yes, the source of the smell, they're useful! And not only very smelly, they come with other features also, e.g. highly flammable, highly toxic and carcinogenic.

7. Having made a mistake, you go home and write in your lab-journal: "I will never forget to double the compound A when I use twice the compound B anymore" - 100 times. The day after, you come to the lab, perform exactly the correct procedure, double both A and B, and....... a result even far than what you have expected. Now you go home, write 100 times in your journal: "I hope life gives me mercy"

8. When something is not working, then other things also. This is a neverending Murphy's law. You're lucky when it lasts only several days.

9. You have several Gbytes of data in your computer, which you can explain only less than half of them.

10. You spend months working in the lab, trying to get some results. Instead, you're getting addicted to "S@#&!! It's not working AGAIN!!"

Now, I will go home and contemplate the famous line: "it has been worst, but then it can only be better". Having experienced these things for several years, you realized how true this sentence could be......

Oh no, no, today is not the worst! tomorrow...

Conversation with embassies

2006-09-25T22:26:00.000+02:00

tut.. tutt....

ER1 : Diessist di Botschaft von....... Wenn Sie nachtsdiemolikeit für Sie fragen ollenfon diessemhachscheu rauscheschmisschen schu stossen Sie Zahl 1. Wenn Sie ummidiverlaangerung von Ihrer ollenfon diessemhachscheu rauscheschmisschen schu stossen Sie Zahl 2. Wenn Sie wissen wollen wenn Sie einevischumbrauchenwerden schugewisschem schuigehen stossen Sie Zahl 3.........

after 20 minutes...

ME : Good morning. I would like to have 3-days to spend money in your country next month and I want to know if I would need a special permit for this.

ER2: What kind of permit allowing you to sit-and-wander-around at your current residence?

ME: It's a semi-permanent residence permit, meaning I have 4 years before being kicked-out. And since you are all in the Union Treaty, if I can make a mess here, I can also make a mess there, right?

ER2: Of course, we are becoming border-less. However, where are you come from?

upss... now comes the real problem

ME: from Indonesia

ER2: In that case, you need to convince us that you will be spending money in a proper manner here. You need to presence yourself at the embassy, bringing your original and true passport, a letter stating your legal monthly income, a letter from your employer stating that they'll not fire you after having fun in our country, and an invitation letter from somebody in our country whom we can blame at whenever you make a mess. Oh, and don't forget 2 close-up photos of your current face, taken from specific angle and your face must have a size of 1.5 by 2 cm. We want to make sure we see all the details.

ME: I am a good guy, but nobody will invite me to your country.

ER2: Then you have to prove that you won't be sleeping at the station or in the street. Please bring to us a hotel-booking confirmation, fully paid so you can't run away. We don't accept confirmation letter by fax or email though, that's too easy to be forged. It has to be sent by mail from the hotel to you, and we will re-double-confirm by calling the hotel also, just to make sure guys, since you're so clever.

ME: Okay. Now I want to make appointment...........

tut... tutt... tuuttt...

Oh, shit! How come...... SHIT!!! It's 2 Euro/min!!!!
Now, today is Friday, I can't get out from this office until 6 p.m. and by that time the shop would have been closed. Arrgh, why did I buy this cheap number from that supermarket. Now everytime I have to go there to recharge my phone-credit!
So, okay...... hghh... so, I'll call again on Monday to make appointment.

Monday afternoon, another embassy

tut..tutt....

ER2: Good afternoon, what can I do for you?

ME: (*shock...) oops... erghh.... is this a machine or a person?

ER2: ??

ME: Sorry. I want to go for a few days trip to your country next 2 months. And I want to ask if I would need a special permit for this since I am currently staying at this country you see, your friend, and you are in that society.....

ER2: hah?? what society??

ME: Sorry, I meant Treaty

ER2: Where are you come from?

again...

ME: Indonesia

ER2: In that case, we can draw a line, and you have to ask for permission before crossing the border. Please send us your original passport, hotel-booking confirmation, and 2 close-up photos.

ME: Does my face have to be 1.5x2 cm in the photo?

ER2: No, just your most recent face.

ME: And I don't have to go to your office by myself?

ER2: No

ME: Don't you want to know how much I earn here, and how long I will have this job, in case I can't afford my trip to your country and have to sell handycrafts on the beach to compensate my expense?

ER2: No

ME: (*shock again...) You must be kidding!!

# ER1 = embassy's representative 1 = answering machine
# ER2 = embassy's representative 2 = the telephone operator

*1. based on personal experiences

*2. Especially for a friend, who, driving an air-conditioned car in Jakarta, complained a lot (I mean, for several years.....) about how irresponsible people in the street, in trucks, in motorcycles, and in general. Who also like to make a statement "underestimating" (this is purely my personal opinion. Of course, my responsible friend, you wouldn't think so!) bus and truck drivers. In foreign countries, we are all regarded the same: a potentially illegal cheap worker. And indeed, we are all workers :-)

prolog... kebun belakang

2006-09-25T21:59:00.000+02:00

Blog ini dibuat untuk menghibur para orang stress sedunia...
minimal menghibur si penulis sendiri (halah!!)

Sebuah pengakuan:

Penulis BUKAN orang stress. Sumpah, bukan!! Tapi kalau BOSAN sih iya.

Sebagai seorang pendatang baru di negeri asing, belum banyak menemukan tempat bermain, penulis merasa perlu menyalurkan bakat, hasrat dan nafsunya yang terpendam.

Jadilah kebun belakang ini... korban!!

Tentang kebun belakang:

Ini mimpiku sejak dulu ... punya rumah kecil dengan kebun belakang yang langsung menyambung ke kanal; dengan pohon apel, magnolia, rose dan hyacinth ... plus peralatan barbeque dan sebuah motor boat antik :-D

Kebun belakang, di mana aja, pastinya jadi tempat yang asyik untuk ngapain aja. Tempat ngumpul, ngobrol ngalur ngidul, curhat... Tempat ngumpet juga kalo lagi suntuk pingin sendirian, sambil baca buku atau ngoceh2 sendiri :-) ... (Seharusnya) kagak ada yg ngusilin, berhubung tempatnya... ning mburi dhewe...

***

Prolog ini ditulis dg semangat yg menggebu-nggebu pada tgl. 14 September 2006 (*mood saat itu... :-))

Selanjutnya......

Yang pasti, kebun belakang bisa juga menjadi... tempat buang sampah!!

standstill...

2006-06-09T14:52:00.000+02:00

masih beres-beres......